Tony Buchanan

It still does not feel real. My Daddy passed on December 11, 2024, and even though the calendar insists that a year has gone by, my heart is still standing in the same place it was the moment life changed forever. Time has moved forward in loud and obvious ways, but inside, everything still feels suspended. Some days I’m strong. Some days I pretend I’m fine because that’s what the world expects from me. And then there are the quiet alone moments when the truth rushes in, when my heart silently breaks all over again, and I feel the weight of his absence press against my chest. In those moments, I cannot breathe. My heart races, battling against a reality it doesn’t want to accept. My eyes flood, and I feel a cry rising in my throat, begging to be heard. I never let it out though, for fear it will not know how to stop. 
On the outside, I keep going. I smile. I work. I laugh. I show up. I do all the things. But on the inside, there is this constant ache. I watch everyone carry on, but I want to scream, “Stop! Don’t you know that life can never be the same again? Don’t you know I’ve lost my first love?” But time is unrelenting. And grief keeps teaching me that loss doesn’t just happen once. It happens again and again in every moment he’s not here, every moment I am alive and he is not. I lose him every time I remember something he won’t get to see, every time I catch myself wanting to call him, every time I realize I am walking through a world he no longer inhabits. Maybe grief never softens its blow? Maybe it becomes part of the new shape of you. Instead of an intruder attacking you in waves, it becomes something whose company you learn to walk with and accept. It also adjusts your perspective—makes you hold people closer, makes you value presence, urges you to cherish time and joy and life. But pain is ever present. And you understand the pain is tied to the magnitude of the love you still hold for them. For now, my grief still comes in sudden, violent waves. I miss my Daddy oh so much. I miss him with every breath. I miss the parts of me that only existed in his presence. To be perfectly honest, facing another year without him feels too daunting. I don’t want to do it. And yet, what choice do I have? To anyone grieving, I get it now. There is no shame in still hurting. Your pain is proof of a love that never ends. Our hearts are battlefields. Grief keeps returning to claim ground, but love fights back and never surrenders. My Daddy, I love you this much. Still. Always. Forever. Camille