Nicholas Alexander Crum

I cannot stop thinking about Nicholas. He was always the light in my darkness and I do not spend time thinking of the mistakes he made because I know that the drugs and alcohol changed Nicholas into someone I could not recognize and I refuse think about those times in which he was not himself when his beautiful soul was masked over. Instead I focus on all of the best parts of Nicholas. My sons and I have spent time reminiscing some the endearing qualities he had. How he could light up a room upon entering. How he would go to each of our rooms everyday just to see how we were. Even if Thaddeus tried to tell him to go away Nicholas would just plop himself down and keep talking as if Thaddeus had said nothing and ask him “so what ya doing? What game you playing? “ before Thaddeus knew it he would be smiling and laughing with Nicholas. He was such a charmer and dreamer. I don’t know if he ever shared with you his delusion of grandeur as we call it here when he would tell us his plan to take over Russia that had started at age 15 and continued to a week before he died. Chris said : you know, it is not only everyone who knew him that will be effected by this but the entire nation of Russia will now be forever changed without their future leader. Some of Nicholas’ friends have stopped by. Every one of these young people are suffering and have had feelings of self blame and self doubt that they had somehow failed Nicholas in some way. Asking themselves if they had done some thing differently the out come could have been different. I of course had been completely overwhelmed with these exact same feelings. I have prayed to God to give me the strength and the right words to help these young people. Every time I do this I manage to convince myself a little more that none of us could have stopped this. Every time I make eye contact with these young souls hurting all I can think about is how Nicholas carried so much pain and ultimately lost hope. When I look at these young people hurting a burning desire rises in me that if I can prevent this from happening to one more, if I can find a way to stop this cycle of suffering, if I can help just one then Nicholas continues to live in my heart and I will take up his torch being that spark and not let others sit in the dark if I can help them out into the light. My sons and I have made the promise to each other that if we see one of us or someone else stuck in their personal darkness that we will take them by the hand and help them out as Nicholas would have done. Nicholas always did everything he did with everything he had. He played hard, he loved hard and he broke hard. I focus my memories on the best parts of him. The times he brought laughter into our lives, when he would take me by the hand and dance with me in the kitchen telling me that I will always be the most beautiful woman in the world as I shake my head and tell him he is significantly biased and his rose colored glasses have blinded him. He of course would never accept my rebuttal. You could never convince him of something different once he set his mind to it.