To Shana, 1982-2020

The day you were born
was the happiest day I had yet known.
I held you in my arms, and believed
that I would spend the rest of my life loving you
and trying to protect you

Protecting you became hard in your wild later years
as we fought over everything and nothing.
I secretly admired and even envied your bravery and daring
but constantly feared the worst: outliving you

Though I have studied many religions, prayer has never come easy to me
I can't muster the hubris to ask favors or demands of the omnipotent
My attempts start and end with, "Thy will be done."
But I do not want to believe in a God whose will is so cruel.

As you reached mature adulthood our battles ceased
For the first time in over a decade, you said, hesitantly, that you loved me.
In the last few years we talked frequently, often for hours, never fighting.
We ended every call with "I love you"
and I dared believe this would end only with my death, not yours.

I will remember you in your early years